HOW TO TALK TO YOUR KIDS ABOUT DIVORCE OR SEPARATION

You and your significant other have decided to part ways, how do you talk to your kids about the divorce or separation? Whether amicably or by full nuclear meltdown; whether unilaterally or mutually; whether for good reasons, bad reasons or no reasons at all, your children (and step-children in some instances) are the innocent victims completely caught in the middle. In a wartime scenario or natural catastrophe they would be called “collateral damages.” They have no choice and absolutely no control of the situation - you, their parents do!

Now in advancing these observations, let me be clear that I am not a psychologist or mental health care giver. Moreover, as a lawyer I truly believe that the children should be entirely kept out of the legal process and not even know what is going on in court. They are having or soon will be having enough on their plates without being forced to choose sides or form opinions. Lastly, each child is different, so you must weigh the maturity level and the emotional impact that actions and discussions may have. Also, as an individual who’s heart and life is being simultaneously crushed by disappointments, fear and sometimes guilt, you and your significant other must decide the appropriate timing of any discussions or the speed of these discussions.

1. THIS ISN’T ABOUT YOU. First and foremost, this is not about what you or your spouse did or did not do! We all want to explain why we believe that we are justified in doing what we are doing or explain how we were the one that was wronged. This is not appropriate to discuss (in my mind ever) with the children. Leave them out of you personal struggles and feelings with the marriage or relationship ending. Even if you have a justifiable beef, the kids do not need to hear about it or be placed in the middle.

2. EXPERTS DISAGREE. For every psychologist who recommends openness and honesty about what is going on, another advises caution. The fact is, you can say too much. A good place to start is by considering your child. Some kids demand candor. Others are happy to just talk. Use your judgment. You know your kids better than anyone.

3. SAY WHAT YOU MEAN TO SAY. Like other important conversations that you’ll have with your kids, the point you’re trying to make is really what matters. In this case, it is crucial that your kids understand that the divorce or separation is not their fault and you will still be there for them. Don’t beat around the bush; say so (“The reason we are splitting has nothing to do with you and it is not your fault.”) Then give your reasons why without getting into specifics (“Sometimes people go their separate ways” or “Relationships do not always work out for the long term.”) And yes, tell them that they will be okay (“Your Mom and I still love you and we’ll always be there for you, that has not changed”).

4. DON’T JUST TALK. LISTEN. You can anticipate that your child’s first reaction when you raise the subject will be to be quiet. So do your darndest to make it a two-way conversation. Ask what they think. Ask if it is a subject that their friends talk about. Ask if any of their friend’s parents are divorced or separated. Ask what they think it will be like traveling between two places. Keep asking questions. And listen to the answers.

5. WHEN TO LIE. In my opinion? Never. Some parents choose not to tell the truth, but risk losing their credibility if their kids discover the real story from a talkative uncle at a family party. Many experts recommend you give an honest answer - or no answer at all. If the answer to a question is an adult topic, is not something that really needs to be brought up or is too damaging to a parent-child relationship, then simply inform that child that this is not something that should be talked about now. (“That is something personal to just Mom and Dad” “That is not an age appropriate question.” “That is something that I honestly do not know or do not know how to answer.”)

6. THE WHOLE TRUTH? Try to avoid giving your child more information than she or he asked for. This is not the courtroom; it’s a conversation.

7. STAY CALM. Whatever happens, try not to raise your voice. If you do loose your temper, try to catch yourself. It’s okay to admit that these conversations aren’t easy for you, either. And if things aren’t going so well, suggest talking about it again another time. (“I didn’t mean to surprise you or make you feel awkward. Let’s talk again in a day or two.”)

8. GOOD LUCK. Yes, it’s difficult to know how to talk to your kids about a divorce or separation. Surprisingly, most children are a lot smarter and more worldly that we like to give them credit for. So even if you’re nervous, don’t put off having the conversation. This isn’t about the past. This isn’t about you. This is about your child’s future.